29 April 2012

Best Practice

I can't take it sometimes. I can't take myself sometimes. When things get too heavy in my life, I clam up. Instead of talking about these things, I think about them. And then I get flustered which begets frustration which begets anxiety which begets fear which begets losing sleep which begets anger, and before I know it I've given birth to generations of mental pandimonia that doesn't even look like me. Who is this baby's daddy? Where did this all come from? 

My future. Frankly, I'm concerned about my future. I'm afraid of missing out and not being successful. I had so much fun in college. I also had the best friends. I have to remind myself that I'm not going to lose friends over pursuing my future, and if I do then they are not my friends. But even with that logic in my arsenal, there is still the ever-present loneliness and homesickness. I can't get over it, what is wrong with me? Those feelings put me on edge, looking for the next time slot and cheapest flight out. That is not the person I want to be. I want to be cozy and well-placed...yet mobile. Ha! See, I can't escape it. I'm 22 and young, wild, and free and it terrifies me. 

Well, I don't want to talk about this anymore. Let's talk about tonight. Tonight, I had to stay an extra hour at work to wait out a tornado watch. As the tornado siren sounded miles away, everything got dark and the wind blew something fierce. Then it finally started raining. There were 5 of us left in the store resigned to the idea of waiting out the storm with what was leftover of Mimosa Saturday. Mallarie set aside the diet coke for me, kindly. One lady watched through the window and yelled at the cars that were still driving, "Your'e making bad choices! Pull over and have a margarita. Anything, but drive!" She was right, it was a terrible choice to drive in that weather. Then I thought of the torrential downpours in Cambodia and how people would walk their bikes and push their cars through the floods if they had to. Of course, they didn't have a tornado on their tail, but nonetheless, I came to the conclusion that we freak out too much in America. But despite all this, I love storms. I love being sheltered from storms, feeling cozy and secure in a warm, dry place. With minimal incandescent lighting. I recognize storms are dangerous but they're not totally unpredictable, the weather channel app tells me so and because of that, I feel totally calm in a storm. I wish I could feel this way in my mind. I need a weather channel app and a big cozy retail venue stocked with Mimosas floating around in my brain so I can go there every time I get overwhelmed and down on myself. This is my new happy place.


Marie said...

Red, I love you. Also, you are such a great writer. So many fantastic sentences in this post. But mainly I just want you to know that I love you, and no matter where you are and no matter where I am I will always love you, pray for you, and be there for you. Always.


oh Jessica